Sunday, February 25, 2007

Dark Night

It's been a week since I've last blogged, and I feel like I'm due for another post.

Today, for the first time since I can even remember, I really got into worship. It was completely refreshing to feel the joy of God in my heart again. I raised my hands to Him in praise, loving Him for who He is. Honestly, it's been a long time since I've felt that I really loved God. It's a sad thing to say, but it's true. Last week, Scott mentioned the concept of a "dark night of the soul", and I think that's exactly what I've been going through for the last few months.

But today was different. Today, I felt joyful and free from all the issues I've had over the past school year. During worship, I gave all the things I was struggling with to God. I'm trusting him to take care of my emotional and financial needs.

It feels like I've reached an apex in my Dark Night. At least, I hope I have. Right now, I feel like all the emotions I've been going through for the past few months have come together in one great surge. But most of all, I do feel the joy of the Lord again.

I know I have a future.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

What Every Christian Should Know #10

This is the first in a ten part series of blog posts from ginkworld.net on what every Christian should know. I found it very interesting and I'm looking forward to the rest of his posts. Here is just a bit of what they have to say:

TOP 10 THINGS EVERY CHRISTIAN SHOULD KNOW (But Probably Doesn't)
#10- THE CHRISTIAN SUB-CULTURE IS BAD FOR YOU

We begin this series by looking at ourselves. The Christian Subculture has provided a safe haven for us to escape the world around us. We have created our own version of Heaven here on Earth so that we can safely enjoy quality, sanctified entertainment that is free from the secular world.

We have Christian television stations, radio stations, books, videos, films, breath mints, t-shirts, cartoons, socks, neckties, wristwatches, bumper stickers, jewelry, candy bars, coffee, and yes, even Christian underwear. I kid you not. (Google it at your own risk).

The real problem with this is that Jesus never intended His disciples to escape the world by creating a special, Holy version of the world that they preferred to live in while they await His return.

In fact, Jesus said something quite the opposite. When he was praying for those who would come after him he said, "I pray not that you take them out of the world, but that you protect them from the Evil One". (John 17:15)

The reason Jesus prayed this prayer was the he knew human nature and he knew that, in a few short years, his followers would want to remove themselves from the world around them.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Mystery

I have been haunted
all my life
by a single mystery.

It is this mystery
that brings life to my heart
and wrenches it away as it wishes.

It brings about all that is worth being,
all the while, making everything in this world
seem worthless.

It is the thing that drives me;
the thing that was set into my heart-

into my very being-from the start.

Yet, it is the thing that brings sorrow.
It causes me great pain
and is relentless.

It brings me hope
and sets my heart ablaze,
longing for the future that is so fervently promised.

It is the greatest blessing
that a person could have,
and the greatest curse.

It is my depression,
my delusion,

and it is my hope.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Simply Awesome

I followed a few links to a new blog that I think I might like a great deal. The latest post has a movie clip that hits the mark so well, that I have to spread the word about it.

What exactly is wrong with Christians today? Maybe this clip can answer that.

http://www.keithgiles.com/

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Car Trouble

As I was driving to campus today, my car decided to stall out in the middle of one of the busier roads in town. All attempts to get it to start again failed. It wanted to turn over, but for some reason, it just wouldn't go. Luckily, a very nice guy helped me push my car into the turning lane and drove me to the car repair place, and then to my apartment.

Ironically, the night before, I was talking with a group of people about our dependence on our cars, computers and cell phones. I hated the idea of not having my car, and the very next day, it happened.
to

So right now, I do not have a vehicle. I'm dependant on the bus schedule now. Hopefully, they'll be able to figure out what's wrong with my car and get it back to me without too high a cost.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Be Careful What You Pray For

I have prayed to God for many different reasons with many different requests over the course of my lifetime, but for the last three years, I have had one consistent prayer:

"Lord, do whatever you need to do in order to make me what you want me to be."

He's doing just that, whether I like it or not.

Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.

And it just might be worth it.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Hollow Man

I feel hollow.

At least, that's the best way I can describe it. I have very little motivation to keep going to classes, but for some reason I keep going. To illustrate my attitude for life right now, I use the moment in the movie A Knight's Tale where Chaucer walks by naked and is understandably questioned by the main characters.

William: Sir, what are you doing?
Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging? [pause] To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

As sad as it may seem, this is how I feel during most of my day to day life, although some days are much better than others.

This isn't how a Christian should feel, I think. But I'm not sure how to shake this feeling. A part of me feels that something big and important is just around the corner in my life, but I've felt that for a while now to no avail. Recently, I met someone who has inspired me with their faith and love. They inspire me because they remind me of how I once had the joy of Christ in my life and how I used to have faith in God. I want that faith again, but for the moment, I seem to have lost it.

I want to be excited about God again. I want to be hungry for His word. I want to commune daily with Him and become fulfilled again. But I don't know how to go about it. And so I continue to trudge through my life.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Growing Pains

I finally worked up the motivation to start working out. Yesterday, I went running with some friends. This morning, I lifted weights.

I hurt all over.

Not only do I hurt, but I actually feel weaker than I did before I worked out. Call me crazy, but I was under the impression that you were supposed to gain strength and endurance through these things, not loose it.

I say that jokingly, knowing that this loss of strength is only temporary. My muscles have been stretched and torn through my workouts and so they hurt. But once they heal again, they will be stronger than they were before.

Getting stronger hurts.

The last few months have not been very fun for me. In fact, I think I hit my all time emotional low over the holiday break. God broke me. He broke me hard. When I returned to school in September, I was excited an encouraged about the future. I couldn't wait to see what God would do in my life and in the Xperience this school year. Up until October, I felt good about my spiritual walk. I was learning more about Christian spirituality and what I believed. The problem was that I was growing mentally but not spiritually.

And so, without warning, God proceeded to take me down to a place where I had no choice but to confront myself and Him. It hurt. Even though I'm coming out of those low places, depression still hits me from time to time. Sometimes, I feel almost bi-polar, as I can be at the top of my emotional game one hour, and at the lowest the next.

A lot of the time, it feels as if God throws me down to the ground and tells me to pick myself up. Maybe that's exactly what He's doing. I think He's conditioning me. He is causing me to grow, whether I like it or not. Today, He brought me to this verse:

Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10-11

Pain hurts, but without pain, there is no gain. Without pain, we do not grow. If I hadn't stretched my muscles today I would not be in pain right now, but I wouldn't have anything to gain from it at all either. I would not be improving myself. One simply cannot grow spiritually and emotionally without feeling the pain of life. Once we get through that pain, however, we'll be stronger than we were before.